Extending my stay in the States...

So i am afraid that it hasn't all been good news over the past couple of weeks, i have found out that it is not going to be possible to extend my stay with the Gold family beyond February. I spoke with Jill my host Mum yesterday morning and she said that she would like me to extend but for 6 months but in actual fact i would only be working for four months of that. This would have been perfect for me if i was still in the same mind frame as when i arrived, but i am not. I now want to extend my stay in NYC for as long as possible, and if i re apply for a new visa when i plan to go home at christmas then i can stay in the United states for a further year with the J1 au-pair visa. I know deep down that i a definitely not ready to go home, that is not an option for me.

So this means that i am going to have to rematch with another family and move house when my one year contract is up with the Gold family on the 21st of February. This was not what i was hoping for but the more i think about it the more i think that a change may not be such a bad thing for me. My biggest concern is that i have to fallen in love with NYC and really wish to stay here. I am happy and am settled here, and i have also made close friends here. I am not so sure that i want to leave all this behind to move to a new State, to live with a new family, and have to make all new friends and to be the new girl again. Actually i know i don't want to do that. In order for me to rematch to another state i would have to of found an amazing family that have a lot to offer me.

It is going to be sad to leave the Gold family when February comes as they have made my experience here so far a great one, in the beginning i found it hard to adapt to there culture and way of life but it grew on me very quickly. The girls behavior has also changed towards me and Emily the oldest of the two girls is changing more and more everyday she is loosing the attitude and gaining maturity and affection towards others...It has been so nice to watch her blossom as when i firs arrived here she made my job role hell and now she is a pleasure to look after (most of the time). I have also had the best work hours and vacation time. A new start is going to mean that i am going to have to step outside of my comfort zone and be open to change.

I am not going to be contacted by potential families until 6 weeks before i am due to leave the Gold family, so in the mean time i am going to enjoy the rest of my time in brooklyn to the maximum. And wrap up warm as the winter is rapidly approaching, i am looking ford to the build up of christmas in NYC, as i know it is going to be pretty spectacular.

I have been waiting for this day to come for a long time...

Today i was waiting for sarah to come home from school at the bus stop when a text message came through on my phone from my Daddy, as soon as i saw his name come up on the phone i panicked as they do not normally text my American cell phone due to the high charges for him to send and for me to receive a text message. I opened the message which read: "I can't tell you but i wish andrea could, call your auntie sarah asap. Love you." My eyes welled up immediately a i assumed that this was going to be bad news that i was going to have to receive when i called my Auntie Sarah. I read the message again and again and i was still confused by the content of it. It was my dad's birthday so i was hoping and preying that Andrea had not taken a bad turn on his birthday, as he would have been so upset and deserved nothing more than to have a nice day. I was aware that my boss had told me not to make calls to over seas but this was important and was playing on my mind. So i crossed my fingers and dialed my dads cell phone number. Much to my surprise Andrea picked up, before she even had chance to say anything i said "is everything ok"..."you don't know do you" she said "no i don't what is it"........"he finally asked me..Me and your dad are getting married" she screamed!!!! I felt the tears dripping down the side of my face but this time they where tears of happiness.

My dad had planned for him and Andrea to go to Bristol (a near by city) for a romantic night away before Andrea started her second session of kemo therapy at the Hospital. Which we all knew about but little did we know that he was going to propose, none of our family even knew he had gone to buy her a ring. My dad was lucky that it all came through for him as hours before he had planned for them to go to dinner on a boat that Andrea loves as they had been before, Andrea got sick and they didn't think that they would make the dinner reservations. Thankfully she went to sleep for an hour and woke up feeling a little better. My dad had been in contact with the restaurant staff and had arranged with them that when it was time to receive the bill that they would give it to Andrea and on it would be the words "will you marry me". When the time came and they had finished there beautiful meal, as planned the nervous waitress walked over t the table and gave Andrea the bill....As soon as she saw the bill my dad said "her face lit up and she burst into tears". My dad then went over to her side and got down on one knee and asked her again "will you marry me"?? "Of course she screamed..yes" and he placed the ring on her finger.

Whilst on the phone to them i asked Andrea "what is your ring like", i was desperate to know. You could hear the happiness in her voice when she was describing it, she said "it is just what i wanted its perfect for me". Whilst i was on the phone to them they where back at there hotel room, ordering a bottle of champagne to celebrate and calling all our further family members to share the great news.

I was truly over the moon to hear about my dad proposing, as me and andrea had been anticipating this moment for a long time. After i told Andrea how happy i was one more time and told her i loved her she put my Dad on the phone. I wished him happy birthday and congratulations trying to fight back the tears of joy. He sounded so happy, in fact i don't think i have ever heard him that happy before. He said to me "Lacey..Are you proud of me" at that point i smiled so widely and answered "yes of course i am". If i am honest i have never been more proud of him and happy about the way our relationship is working out. I may not see my Dad due to the fact that i live in another country but we do always make time to talk on the phone at least once a week which is more than we used to talk on the phone when i lived in England. I now look ford to hearing his voice and asking him general questions about how he is and how his weekend was.

Andrea has brought me and my Dad much closer together, and i can never thank her enough for that alone.

Brooklyn Bridge date...

So i have now been on four dates with Ed, the last one being sunday night when we walked the Brooklyn Bridge. It was a cold night but a clear sky so the view was intense as per usual and the manhattan skyline was breath taking. I am now starting to get a real sense of who Ed is. We seem to get on very well and i spend a lot of time laughing when we are together and on the phone which is great. And it is not just me laughing at him we are laughing together. I cant see us stopping seeing each other anytime soon which makes a change as previously by date four i have realized that i don't actually click or feel a connection with the person i have been dating, just as he has said to. It is to early to predict anything between us but i think we are going to continue to get on just fine. I tell you what i can predict though and that is that i am going to be pilling on the pounds if we keep eating pizza on our late night dates. Heeeee. Bloody americans. I also hold this guy responsible for why i have been so tired recently, he manages to keep me up late on the phone until 2am and even later when we meet. And its funny as almost every time before i see him or we talk i have perfectly good intentions of getting an early night.

Love for my family..

Recently i have been thinking a lot about where my loyalties lie when it comes to family, every time i put down the phone after talking to my Dad i feel so helpless that i am sea's apart from them when they need me the most. I call them as much as i can but it is just not the same as being there in person for someone. I can't just give her a hug when she is having a bad day or get her a glass of water when she needs one. I also can't help but think i could be doing more for her. After all i am now an 8 hour plane journey away, and as family we are all in this together.

The worst part of all this for me is recently Andrea has been really sick after her first session of kemo therapy, and every time i ring and hope to speak to her Dad says "shes not really up for talking shes taking a lie down". This upsets me as if i was there in person i wouldn't even need to be a phone call away, and i wouldn't need to hear her voice as i would be able to see her face.

No matter how sick she is her beautiful face is always trying to smile, this amazes me and tells me not to take the little things in life for granted. As this lady is battling with lung cancer and she can still shine through with her inner beauty and motherly glow towards us all.

This lady deserves a medal for all she has been through and come out stronger from.

Hmmmm...What do i want???

Recently i have been thinking more and more about what i want from someone, i don't think as of now i want a boyfriend. Life is just perfect the way it is, and i wouldn't wanna jeopardize it. Im definitely not looking for one. I am enjoying dating, but then again i am sure if i grew to really like someone i would be happy to make them my boyfriend as i am not one to ignore my feelings. But when i say "liked someone", it would have to be a lot and i would have to be convinced i was making the right decision for my self.

Before i came to the united states i was scared of meeting someone that i would grow to like as i was worried that it would end in tears for me as i would of had to have left them behind, and it wouldn't have been fair to me or them as i didn't no for definite how long i was planning on staying in the states for. And now that i am here and am dating i am afraid of growing to really like someone again as there will also come a point where i will have to leave them behind. It may feel like it is but this is not my home and at some point i have to return to England. But then again i keep telling my self just let your self go and whatever happens happens, and when the time comes there will be a way around it there always is.

It amazes me how different of a character i am now, i can be who i want to be, and i am me from the start even if i am slightly clumsy and slacking on a lil (Ok maybe a lot) of common knowledge. Dating has also made me question my self as a person, as people have asked me questions about my self i have never had to answer before. Such as:

• What makes you different from every other girl.
• What is the craziest thing you have ever done
• what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you

I learnt a lot from questions like this, and it took me on a trip down memory lane to try to find the answers .

Getting to know Ed for who he is....

So i have now been on three dates with Ed, and lastnight was my turn to pick a date ideah. And as i have missed home and English food a little this week i decided that we would go to a British Fish and chip shop in Park slope. We ate and chatted away, and then bought some English chocolate bars to take away for dessert. We then walked to the lake in prospect park, the lake looks beautiful day and night. If i ever have a bad day or want time to think i will go sit at the edge of the lake and look out into the water and let my mind get lost in thoughts. We found a romantic and peacefull spot tucked away from any other people not that there was many people in the park as it was getting late. It wasnt long before we were kissing. I am obviously attracted to Ed and things between us could have gone alot further than they did in the heat of the moment (as lets face it it's been a while). But i did not want to rush anything, so much to my bodies disgust i slowed things down. I am very carefull with who i am intimate with as many men only want one thing, and i am not one to hand it to them on a plate. I do not think for one minute that sex is all Ed wants but at the same time we have only met three times and i think things where moving a little to fast...

I also found out alot more about Ed over this date and talking on the phone the night before, he is turning out to be an interesting character, which is great as it keeps me intrigued.

So it turns out Ed has never been in love and hasn't cried in 18 years , the way he described this almost made him paint a picture of himself being heartless. But i don't think thats the case at all, when i thought deeper i thought maybe he just finds different ways of expressing himself and his emotions, and he has obviously never met the right person as far as love in concerned. As when you do fall in love you can't control it. I do wonder whither Ed had been hurt in previous relationships and now he has built up this wall that is hard to let down, however in general i find that men can detach their emotions much easier than girls. When i asked him about this he obviously was quick to jump and say "no i have not built up a wall" but i can't help but think there must be a reason behind all of this.

He also mentioned that he was in a relationship all summer and they only split up 4 weeks ago. This came as abit of a shock to me as that seems very soon to me to be moving on and looking to date someone else. By know means do i want to be a rebound for him, neither do i want to be involved with someone that has strong feelings for someone else. As that is a waste of my time and theirs. But i actually am not getting a vibe that he does still have strong feelings for this girl.

I must not let this put me off him, i will give him the benefit of the dought. But i will just be careful whilst doing so like i always am. I believe you should trust someone until they give you reason not to.

Second date...

Soo last night i went on a second date with Ed. We had planned to go to Prospect park and he had asked me to bring a blanket as he was coming straight from work. But just my luck as i pulled off the drive way it started to poor down with rain. Thankfully the rain died off a little bit so we braved the weather and went for a walk in the park, i took the blanket that i had brought as it was quite cold out and Ed said we could use it to rap it around us, he is full of bright ideas. lol. We found a nice spot in the park after walking off the main track and into the woods a little, we went to the top of some old steps and there we stayed. It wasn't long before we were kissing in the rain, i love the feeling of this and it never seems to get any less romantic. We then walked back to the car and ate pizza on the back seats. It was comforting to be in the warm and dry again but to hear the rain pelting down on the windows. Time flew by and once again before i knew it, it was 2.30am. We didn't want to leave but i had to be up at 6 oclock for work so i drove him home. Before he left we had a last goodnight kiss, which turned into 2, 3 or maybe even 4 more kisses. I really didn't want to leave but if i didn't i could of stayed sitting there all night. I had a great time, and honestly the second date was just as much fun as the first which is rare. I think that we are going to get along just fine and i am looking ford to seeing him again and getting to know him more.

I hate goodbyes

One of the downsides to having friends from all over the world is that we are all in NYC for one thing, the amazing experience and at some point the experience has to come to an end. So one of my close friends csilli is leaving to go back to Hungary this week, so this weekend we went out to a bar in wall street Manhattan, we had a great night which we always do when we all get together. It was just a shame that the reason for our night out was to celebrate Csilli's last weekend in the city that never sleeps.

Csilli is such a nice person she is very caring and is always quick to help others. She will be missed by all of us, but however the way i see it is that Hungary is not very far away from England. So when i return home i will plan a trip to visit her and Zofie our other Hungarian friend who also left recently.

I think as a person i get attached to people easily and find it hard to say goodbye. But since i have been an Au-pair in NYC i have had to say goodbye to 70% of the people that i meet, and by the end of my time here i will of had to say bye to 100% of them. So i should become an expert at saying goodbye. It is hard as this way of life in NYC has very quickly become home to me, and i no that as of now my home is still back in England.

The first date...

First dates are always hard as you can never no exactly what to expect. But actually as i was on the subway heading through Manhattan and into Queens i wasn't actually that nervous as i had spoke to him a few times on the phone and i pictured in my head what he was going to be like. When we first met surprisingly there was no awkwardness. We hugged and he asked whither i preferred Chinese or Japanese food, i answered Chinese and before i knew it we where back on the subway heading to his favorite Chinese spot. When we arrived he knew the lady that worked there as i guess he has been there many of times before she automatically knew what he wanted and he recommended a chicken dish for me so that is what i ordered. It was very nice but very filling, but when i couldn't eat it all he finished it. He was very polite he pulled out my chair for me to sit down and he payed for the meal which thinking about it now i shouldn't have let him but i did tell him that next time dinner is on me which made me feel better. We then went back on the subway and went to Queens promenade where there is a amazing view of the city, we stood talking at the very end of the promenade. He then asked me if i wanted to dance and he put on some spanish music and before i knew it i was swaying with his hands on my hips learning how to dance the spanish way..It was very romantic and something that i had never done on a first date before. After he asked if he could kiss me i said yes and we kissed it was actually quite beautiful with the view and the wind picking up blowing my hair, we then kissed again and guess what again. Before we knew it we had been kissing for quite some time lost in the moment and the guard asked us to leave as the promenade was closing. On the way home he asked if i had a good night and i answered yes of course and he asked if i wanted to do it again some time, and of course again i said yes. On the way home we listened to my ipod and we danced and sung along to the songs, and of course i had to show him some cute english bands that he had never heard of. One thing i can say about him is that he is very confident which is a great thing, but he was almost cocky but funny at the same time. But he was defiantly not boring..i just hope he can keep me interested.

A completely different ball game...

So since i have been in America i have had the chance to start over again and turn a new leaf in life. And it has been the most amazing experience so far, and this city has worked miracles for me as a person i almost feel like a new and improved lacey.

For the women out there that have just gone through a break up ...They do say that if your running away from heart break there is only one place to go...NYC. And i have full belief in that as i could completely see how this city can transform you. Shopping in New York can make you feel like your in the January sales 12 months of a year, the views can make you forget everything that is going on around you when you get lost the the gaze of the manhattan skyline, and i believe NYC is home to some of the best restraunts, bars and hang out spots.

So dating..dating in its self is new to me. As it is not popular in England to Date people especially not more than one person at once, how many people do it here. It just seems so wrong but so right at the same time. As people date for along time before they become boy friend and girlfriend. I figured that i should date and make the most of my time here that is going way to quickly. And my theory is what doesn't make a good date makes a good story, as i don't want to ever wonder what could have been.

I have met many guys since being in the states most of them through plenty of fish a dating website that my friend recommended as she met her current boyfriend through the website, which was enough proof for me that it could work. Since i created the profile i have attracted many of the wrong kind of men but also a hand full of the right kind. Also i was surprised at my self for joining a dating website as they are not popular in England unless you are getting old and desperate, where as here many people are on a dating website and also people of my age and type which helps.

But since i have been here it has made me think about what is my type of guy?? Do we have a type?? I would say that i am attracted to tall dark and handsome men with a big personality and sense of humor, but then is that judgmental and if you look outside of the box of what your looking for and are open to a change it can pay of. It has made me realize that my friends have been right all along i have been way to fussy in the past and i hope to change that slightly for the future. However i am never going to settle for any less than what is the best in my eyes, the right person for me is out there somewhere, you just have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince.

In the very beginning and Firstly in the dating game along came Angel who i met on plenty of fish, he was tall, mixed race with dark hair and beautiful eyes. He was in the music scene and wore skinny jeans which was not at all the type of guy that i would normally go for, but i thought what the hell. We spoke for weeks online and on the phone and then we planned a date to meet up. He also lived in brooklyn so we met at coney island and went to an italian restraunt and then we walked to the water where it began to poor down with rain. Much to my surprise this only added to the evening as we kissed in the rain and then kissed in the rain again and again i must have been attracted to him as i had it in my head that you shouldn't kiss someone on a first date. But that theory went out of the window. As we spoke more i grew to like him as a person until it came to our second date and i got ready to meet him and as i rang him to ask where we was meeting he didn't pick up his phone, so i rang again and he still didn't pick up. Then i heard nothing until two days later when i got a message saying that he was sorry and not really giving a reason behind it other than he had to "sort some stuff out". So me being me, figured he was going to be a waste of my time so deleted his number and removed him as a friend on facebook. It may seem a little extreme but all he had to do was pick up the phone or text me and say he couldn't make it instaid of letting me think that we were meeting and then i hear nothing. He try'd to get back in contact with me a few times and recently he actually wrote to me on facebook saying that he was sorry and asked if we could start over again. My friends said lacey you should give him a second chance and i do believe that everyone deserves a second chance but no one deserves a third. So i gave him my number and we are now back in contact well actually we have hardly spoke and this time around i am not feeling the same connection so i am not sure if we are going to meet again.

Then along came fred..Who is typically more my cup of tea he is very tall and good looking in my eyes, if i saw him walking down the street i would definitely turn around to get a second look. He also has a big personality to match his big job plans and life style, he is a professional ballet dancer for the dance theatre of Harlem and he has big plans for his future. Which is great that he knows what he wants. However he is often traveling the states to perform. But when he is in New York we meet and we have been on a fare few romantic dates. Including dates in central park, Bryant park, and the Brooklyn bridge. I enjoy spending time with fred in person, except from when i feel he talks about him self a little to much but i guess he has worked hard for what he has and has earnt the right to do so. But in between our dates we haven't spoke much as via text messages he gives one word answers and on the phone he talks a lot and occasionally bores me to death. So that leeds me to believe fred is not the one for me, but is still a very attractive man that i still enjoy spending time with. Also only recently has fred began to make me laugh as before he seemed to be very serious and work focused even when he was on a date. But as of now i can't see fred being the American boy that really captures my heart but time will tell.

Then before the summer along came Juwon...Who was similar to fred but didn't quite have the wow factor when it came to looks like fred. He came across as nervous and not very confident and he seemed to go along with everything that i said, however after a couple of dates he became more fun to be around and we would talk on the phone a lot as we didn't date as often as he was from New Jersey and i was working a lot at that time. However when it came to the summer i was going to be in England for two months, and that is were it all went wrong as i would say to him "have a great summer and don't think about me and if we actually like each other then we will talk again when i get back" i enjoyed my summer and in England and also went on holiday to spain with my girlfriends i didn't stay in contact with him when i was gone and when i returned if i am honest i didn't really feel an urge to get back in contact with him again. I felt a little bad but at the same time if it wasn't going anywhere i am not one to waste my time or his. Don't get me wrong he was very nice but not for me, he would have made a good friend but i am not so sure that he wanted to be just my friend.

And last but not least in my dating history in the States along came Edd, who i have only very recently met also on plenty of fish. He is very cute and i enjoyed reading about him on his profile he seemed a little different to the average man on plenty of fish he seemed like he had a sense of humor and like he could hold a intelligent conversation. My opinion of him was right after talking for a few days i gave him my cell phone number and we spoke on the phone and hit it off and arranged a date....

Men who would have them!!

Love life...What love life?

So before i was even considering moving abroad way before the thought had ever crossed my mind. I was in a long term relationship with my x boyfriend steve. We where together for 3 and a half years, i fell head over heels for this boy from day one. He was my school crush and summer love when i was 15 and that is where it all started. There was just something about him that i was instantly drawn to. Are relationship was all i wanted and more for the first two years. And then it all started to very slowly fall apart, we learnt that we where leading two very different life styles, with completely different views, opinions and morals on almost everything. We split up and got back together a lot in the last year of our relationship and the truth is i just kept hanging on. And i never thought that we would grow apart. I believe i always loved steve more than he ever loved me. When it all got to much he decided he wanted to break up, due to the fact that he said he didn't want to be in a relationship he needed a break. I was honestly heart broken and i was blind to our falling outs and just presumed that we would work through it and get back together as we always did. But he did not go back on his word, it was over for us. And he never changed his mind.

Before i knew it i was still in pieces and he had moved on and found him self another girlfriend, which shattered my confidence and hurt me even more. How could he move on so quickly and how could i have been so stupid. It took me a long time to get over steve, and for months i wasn't my self. I didn't even consider putting my self back out there to date again for months, and a rebound relationship that so many people say have helped them was just not for me.

It also took me along time to adapt to being single which when i look back now i see was understandable as i had spent the last 3 and a half years of my life with this guy, day in day out. The fact that i lived in a very small town did not help my situation as when he moved out of my house he moved into his mums who lived on the same road as me, and when i would meet up with my friends i would often bump into him or hear a lot about him as we had mutual friends.

It was by no means easy but i moved on, not with another guy but in my self. My love grew less and less for steve and a huge amount of love turned into hate for steve, i despised the way he treated me and how he dealt with the break up. Until one day when i woke up i felt no love for him at all, i remember smiling so widely that day. However i did know that i would never forget him, he was my first love, and the one i lost my virginity to.

I eventually enjoyed being single and it was months later that i decided it was time for a change, i wanted to do something different and take a different path to everyone else so i applied and got the job as an Au pair in America. In the months between applying and getting on the plane i new that i would be leaving the country very soon so i shy'd away from dating as i didn't wanna build a relationship and connection with anyone and then have to leave. And i new that a long distance relationship wasn't for me. As i wanted this new start to be a completely fresh start with no strings attached.

And that it was.

A call from home...

So today i spoke to my Dad as Andrea has now completed her first session of kemo since the cancer has come back in her lungs, she is now going to go for kemo therapy every three weeks. She is now at home and is just sleeping a lot, not her self at all and is not eating much at the moment. So Dad sounded slightly concerned on the phone. But they knew as the doctor warned them that this type of treatment does make you very tired and low on energy.

So dad said that he has been doing all of the shopping, cooking and cleaning which is different as Andrea loves her house and is normally always cleaning and making sure there are fresh candles lit, room fragrance sprayed, and cushions are layed out correctly across the sofa's. But at the moment she is unable to do so and i know she will not be happy about that as she is a very independent women in her own right. We hope that in the next week or two she improves before her next session as she will need to be strong enough to go back into hospital to have another session of kemo therapy.

I keep thinking to my self when i lay awake at night...How must my poor dad be feeling?? Every time i get upset about the horrible situation this disease has put us all in, i have to think that my dad and her two young girls must feel much worst as they are there to see he go through the pain and discomfort day in day out.

Should i extend my stay????

So recently i have been doing a lot of thinking and have decided that i want to stay in the USA for another 9 or 12 months...i have fallen in love with NYC and would happily live here in the future. But i know that not everything i want is going to happen. In my ideal world i was continue to work for the Gold family that i am working for now, as i know the children, and the area in which i live, and i no the work routine, and plus i don't work a full 45 hours and they give me a lot of vacation time to travel the States. I am happy here.

However the girls that i look after this year are going to a summer camp for 2 months instaid of one this year as they are getting older and it is what they want to do for there summer, and if they employed me for a further 9 or 12 months more they would have to pay me for the two months that i would have off which wouldn't make sense to them as they could just get a new Aupair after the summer is over, that way they wouldn't loose out on 1,600 dollars.

So i need to talk further with my host parents (which is a challenge in its self as they are always so busy) and ask whither they would actually like me to stay. And if they do maybe we could come to an arrangement where maybe i get paid for one month instaid of two in the summer??

As i would love to stay exactly were i am and travel to all other states from here.

My only other option is that i look for another host family in NY, which is not a 100 per cent guarantee as there may be no other families at that time looking for an Aupair through my agency. Or last resort would be that i could be re-match with another family in the states somewhere..maybe the west coast florida..California Mmmmmmmmm that sounds nice but would any other state now compare to this amazing city that has been my home for the past year?? I have my heart set on staying here.

Also One of my close friends jill who is also an Aupair would like to also move to NY be near to me and in the city, as now she lives in rural Virginia and it is not for her. We are a 7 hour journey apart and although we take it it turns to travel to each other twice every month the journey is way to long as we can only ever stay with each other 4 2 days due to work.

So really we have it all planned in our minds that me jill and Donelle another close friend of ours from south Africa could spend the next 9 months after we complete our first year in the city together. We truly enjoy each others company and we would have a great time.

Sooo what will it be..i will soon see...When my host parents get 5 minutes off work and can put down their blackberry's and have a conversation with me about extension.....

Please propose....

I want nothing more than for my dad and Andrea to get married. They are so happy and i no that she wishes to get married soon before the cancer gets any worst. Over the past year they have been on many romantic weekends away and every time i hope that he would ask her to marry him. Im desperately waiting for the day that she calls to tell me the news.

I mean we are women so we have discussed the wedding and what she would like it to be like, infact we have discussed every aspect of it from the dresses, food, dj's and location. Andrea no's she would like me, India, Jazmin and Tom to be the brides maids and page boy. So i would be head bridesmaid.

They have spoke about getting married and they have decided against Dad's idea for the wedding which was to get married abroad, as Andrea wanted every member of her family there to witness the day. And they decided on a traditional church wedding with an un-traditonal after party. The after party will be in a huge ball room. They also want the wedding to be as late on in the afternoon as possible so that it will roll straight on to the family and friend filled party, with a buffet. They chose this option as they do not want to leave any one of the guest list, and they just want to purely celebrate what they have with loved ones. I think it is a great idea and it suites them down to the ground.

I can not wait for then to get married it will be one of the best days of my life, besides my own wedding day it will just be such a meaningful day to alot of people.And i think i need to have a private chat with my dad to hurry him along, i think andrea will appreciate that.

Back to reality..

Today i got a call from my dad. I was expecting him to call to update me on Andrea. As the day they got back from there holiday in Florida she was struggling to breath and she felt a pressure on her chest. So she went straight to the doctors who refferd her to the hospital. He explained that she was still in hospital and that she had been there since the doctors had sent her there. She had been having treatment everyday to remove the fluid from her lungs as that was what was causing the problem with her breathing.

Dad also said "its always one thing after another for her lacey, its not fair". I agreed. He then reassured me and him self by saying "but she is ok...you know she is at the hospital now making friends with all of the old ladies and their guests on her ward , and she is laughing and joking with the nurses; she is in high spirits".

Andrea is now thankfully out of hospital and is waiting to start kemo therapy, a week from now. She is happy to be at home and to get to spend some quality time with her family. I just hope nothing else occurs or go's wrong before then. As it seems that as soon as one thing gets better another health problem occurs.

Its like a roller-coaster ride there are ups and downs and its not going to be an easy ride but you just have to hang on.

A once in a life time experience...

Once i arrived back in NYC i spoke to Dad and Andrea on the phone when ever we had the chance..And one day when i had called and Dad answered the first thing he said to me was "Call back tomorrow" and Andrea will have some news to tell you...sooo straight away i asked is it bad news..He said "no lacey" proudly "its not bad news for once". So i put the phone down and racked my mind for what it could be that they was going to tell me.

So i the next day i picked up the phone and dialed there home number..after only two rings Andrea picked up the phone and said in pure excitement "i am going to Orlando Florida". I couldn't believe it..How and when i asked in pure shock as i knew that they didn't have the money to up and go on a holiday like that. She explained that her very nice nurse that she had formed a close relationship with over the months had got in contact with the local Hospice and after some persuading (as funds are short in the recession) the charity offered to pay for Andrea, Dad, India and Jazmin to go to Florida for two weeks. They payed for their flights, accommodation, and access to the parks. And her nurse even payed out of her own pocket for them to have a car hire for the 2 weeks. Andrea was over the moon and was so happy to be given this opportunity from the charity. But you new that in the back of her mind she was thinking the same as her girls. Why have i been given this..Do the doctors no details that i don't..Do i not have long to live? These were all questions we were thinking but did not want to ask. They managed to look on the bright side and before we knew it they were on there way to the airport.

I spoke to them twice whilst they were on there holiday and they all sounded so happy.

Andrea told me that she went on her first roller-coaster ride in universal studios, she went up in a helicopter over international drive, and that she fed dolphins in sea world resort. She was so happy you could hear it in her voice. No body could thank the charity enough for what they did for them and what they do for so many families in need. They had a once in a life time experience and enjoyed every minute of it...But If anyone deserved it then they did after all they had been through.

The charity that made it all happen...

http://www.somerset-hospice.org.uk

True to my word.. My trip to visit Dad and Andrea

The trip was different this time around. All of the way to Somerset in the car my mind was wondering. I was thinking over and over what am i going to say to Andrea when i see her.

As i new i wanted to say that i am sorry that this has happened to her and tell her that she doesn't deserve this in fact no one does. However i was expecting there to be some upset in the house. I was wrong when we arrived i took a long pause and gathered my self before i opened the door...i shouted "helloooo" but no one answered...Just as they always were on a friday night my dad..andrea..Auntie Sarah and Jemma and scott (Andreas brother and sister in law) were sat out in the beautiful garden with the umbrella over them..Andrea was lighting candles when i shouted down to them "helooo" again they all came over and hugged and welcomed me and they were quick to got us a drink of course an alcoholic one. And then we all continued laughing and reminiscing on the week we had all had. I was pleasantly surprised they were all continuing as normal..and there was no talk of the cancer what so ever. The night was drawing in...so we all took are glasses and went an sat inside. We all watched big brother and just enjoyed each others company. The week i spent with them went quickly and i enjoyed it as i always did...me and Andrea had many lazy days in front of the TV whilst dad was at work and whilst the children are at school...We would just chat the day away and watch The Jeremy Kyle show. I used to visit them often but as i now don't get to see them very much i cherish the time we have together.

We also went out for dinner one night..and we went on to my dads local pub after...My dad is close friends with the landlord and had alot of friends in the pub so he was chatting away at he other end of the bar..So me and Andrea pulled up a stall at the bar and we drank drink after drink..and we chatted and sung along to old songs at the dupe box without a care in the world. It was truly a great night and i was thinking to my self i should consider my self lucky to enjoy my self as much as i do when i am out with my family.

Before i knew it..It was time to pack my suitcase up and leave for the airport. My dad and friend took me to London heathrow...Before we left it was sad to say goodbye to Andrea as i new i was going to miss her alot and since she has been ill i want to be there for her as much as i can and it is hard to feel like you are doing that when you are in another country.

But we told our self's we will see each other at christmas which made us smile. When we arrived at the airport i said my fair wells to my Dad and good friend Hannah and went through security..Once i got through to the other side of customs i felt a tear dripping down my face so i quickly wiped it away and told my self it wont be long before i see them again.

To good to be true...

However all of the above is way to picture perfect. And about two year ago from now our lifes came crashing down when we realized that Andrea had Cancer. She had found a lump in her leg and we had all seen it and thought it would have just been a lump of tissue or a abscess. She finally went to the doctors and was refered to the hospital were she went for a number of visits and had found out that the lump had been cancerous. It was a pure shock and i will never forget the day when i got a phone call from my dad telling me the news i could hear the pure devistaion in his voice and i was in total dis-belief. She was so young and had two young daughters and my dad was finally happy....i just thought no this can't be happening to us.

Andrea was a true fighter and she completed session after session of kemo therapy, she started almost straight away after she got the terrible news. She then had a further operation that they believed removed all of the cancer that the kemo had not been able to shrink. She spent alot of time in and out of the hospital and my dad was by her side every step of the way and all of her family helped alot with the care of her children and the house work. After the operation it was a very long recovery process in fact i don't think she ever fully recovered. She was left with a very swollen leg and a small hole in the back of her knee as that is were the cancer was taken out from....but that was nothing compared to the fact that we all thought she may never be able to walk again. We also knew that during the operation she may have had to have had her leg amputated. But Andrea the strong willed person that she is she was not fazed by the chance that she may wake up from this with only one leg, as she openly said to the surgeon just do everything and anything you can to get this cancer out of my body. When she returned home, they re-arranged the house and she had a bedroom made for her down stairs as she would not of been able to get up and down the stairs to get to bed every night. And she had nurses come and visit her twice a day to change her dressing and assist her. Her daughters and my dad were great to her as expected and they did everything they could to make her feel comftable. They became full time carers for her in there own ways. Over the months the nurses visits got fewer her leg got slightly smaller and she was able to leave the house in a wheel chair. She was so strong through out all of this and she was determined that she would make a full recovery.

She eventually began to walk small distances with two crutches and her hair grew back very slowly which she was over the moon about. She was a very strong person inside and out but you could see that this had affected her hugely as it would anyone. Before this happened she was a very talented hair dresser and she ran her own business from home, she would socialize often with her friends and family as they are very close and her and my dad would go away to festivals and enjoy each others company on a daily basis just as happy couples do. Her life has changed dramatically she now can no longer work so she had to give up her business, she had to reliy on other people for most things which she hated as she is a very independent person, she can no longer drive, do her own shopping or washing. She was now disabled. But she managed she had a close net work of friends and family that all helped as much as they possibly could.

Soon things were looking up she was looking and feeling better within her self..and she was starting to go out more even if it was just to the shopping market by taxi as it was to far for her to walk. She was then able to move back up stairs with my dad in her bedroom again, and with all that her confidence was shinning through again. She was regularly going for check ups at the doctors and hospital and about a year ago from now she got the all clear that she was clear of cancer..This was a huge relief for everyone and from then on Andrea still progressed to get better at a slow and steady pace. At christmas i decided to spend my time with her and my dad and for everyone she was close to it was the best Christmas gift anyone could have asked for she was free from the horrible disease that destroys so many people life's. We celebrated and Andrea made an emotional speech and so did her mother Jill to thank everyone for all the help and support that they had given her.

Life after christmas continued to look up for Andrea and if anyone deserved it, it was her. My dad and her went on many romantic weekends away to london and Bristol and they were truely happy again. When i left for the states in February i was so happy that she was on the mend and that her and my dad would be just fine i knew he would look after her. I missed them alot but spoke to them on the phone regularly. Time was flying by and before i new it i was going home for a visit in july i was so exited to see them. I noticed a huge change in Andrea she was almost back to her normal self she looked glowing and just beautiful and she had hair on her head. I loved my time that i spent with them and it was not a sad good bye as thankfully my job allowed me to be back in August for another visit.

Before i knew it i was back on the plane to England. This time around i spent the first week of my holiday back at home with my mum and family and friends in Devon. It was during this time that it all changed.

At the beginning of the week my dad called me and we arranged a date that i would be coming up to see him, he sounded very happy that i would be visiting. But he also mentioned that Andrea had been a little down recently and he said i am hoping that you visiting and being company for her whilst i am work and the kids are at school every day will cheer her up. I was sad to hear that, but was looking ford to seeing her again. Dad also said that she was feeling sick alot and that she had not been able to keep her food down. But we all put that down to her tablets and medicine that she had been taking as she had been taking so much medication it was un-real that the human body could physically take in that much.

Any way i didn't think about it to much and it was two days before i was about to visit that i got a phone call from my dad. The call started out as it normally would he asked how i am and what i had been doing, but his voice tone was a little more nervous and hesitant as normal he sounded upset. So i said Dad are you ok he said Lacey i have got some bad news for you. So i assumed it would be a member of our family had died possibly a great auntie or uncle that i don't see much. I could not have been more wrong, it was something much closer to home, "its andrea the cancer is back" my face dropped and i did not know what to say so he carried on and said "it has spread to her lungs" it must have been like talking to a brick wall for him as i was not speaking neither was i crying i was in pure shock. So what will they do i finally managed to say? This time round dad was the one that was hesitant in talking "well lacey he said" in a more serious tone "they can not operate this time the only thing that they can do it give her kemo therapy that should shrink the cancer" i still did not know what to say but by this time i was fighting back the tears so dad continued to speak.."it is not curable..They can not remove the cancer this time due to were it is...It is to close to her vital organs". I was just staring at the wall and thinking about how upset they must have all been when they found out. Unlike them i was the only member of that side of the family in Devon so i was going to have to deal with this on my own. "Are you ok lacey" dad said he repeated himself "lace are you ok" he knew that i wasn't but he must off felt he had to ask and get a positive answer before he could end the phone call. "yes" i said quietly, why i said that i don't know as i was far from ok. "He ended the call by saying "are you with anyone at the moment" i wasn't but my best friend was due over anytime, he said "thats ok then" and said "i will call you later on lace i love you". The second i put the phone down, i sank to the floor and burst into tears i don't think i have ever felt that much hurt before. I did not move and for at least 15 minutes i just sat there curled up looking at the blank wall from the bathroom floor. Just as i managed to pull my self up the front door opened and olivia walked in..."what's wrong" was the first thing she said, i said nothing and the tears came flooding out, "lacey what is it" she said sounding more stern this time. Its Andrea i wailed her cancer is back with that she opened her arms and we hugged. For that hole afternoon it felt like my world had been turned up side down and i knew that in my mind i was thinking the worse. Later that day my auntie had called which i knew my dad would have asked her to do to check on me, this time i did not cry i just wanted to know more about what the doctors and nurses had said i didn't want her to miss out any information. After a long explanation my auntie asked "you are still coming up to stay with your dad and andrea though aren't you" i was not sure wither i could face it but i plucked up the courage to say said yes, I thought about seeing her alot over the next couple of days before the visit and i played over and over again in my mind not what i wanted to say but what would i say, and i thought about how i would stop my self from crying.

Family..

Sometimes when i lay in bed at night and think about my life..i have realised that i should be greatfull for what i do have and i have learned never to take anything or anyone for granted. I have a mum, two brothers, 2 beautifull sisters, a dad, and truely the most amazing step mum i could ever ask for.

And i know that no matter what life may through at me, they will always be there for me. And that is more than what alot of people can say for there family's. Life is not always easy and my parents divorceing when i was young has not always made my up bringing a walk in the park, but i had a happy childhood and all the love and support a girl could need. My mum has struggled being a single parent with four demanding children...but has always done everything in her power to make us children happy. She has worked long and hard hours to get us the latest trends in fashion when it came to cloths, and the latest toys on the shelf that we longed for so bad as children. As i have grown older i have realised we have never thanked her enough for all she has done, instaid we have just been ungreatfull about all she hasnt been able to afford. Me and all my friends have always said along with half of the small town i live in that if we ever won the lottery my mum would be getting a house and a car and anything she needed or wanted for that matter. As pay back for all she has done for everyone. I believe my mum is truely an inspiration and purely a beautifull person insde and out. Since i have been away i have realised that my mum has been struggling more and more each day with money as she has sadly lost one of her two jobs. But she has been soldiering on. God do i whish that i earnt that bit more sometimes so that i could send her home money each week.....but as i am typing i know that my mum will be out there looking for another job to work her hardest at. And deep down i know she will be fine as she always is.

I am truely greatfull for all the loving and caring people that i am surrounded by. And i can honestly say i do not know what i would do without any of them. As i love them all equally but in different ways.

Now life on my dads side of the family has been different....i used to visit my dad twice a month when i was a little girl, and would meet my dad half way between were my mum lived and were my dad lived. I have only happy memories from this, which is also down to one lady my nanny mollie. This lady would make me feel at home and welcome, she would cuddle me, love me and give me everything i could possibly ask for when i was visiting..she truely spoilt me. As i got older and when my nan sadly passed away i realised that she was one of the main reasons i traveld that way twice a month...and i started to not want to go up Bridgewater as much any more partly as well because i was getting older and friends and my boyfriend i thought were more important. My dad loves me and i know that he always will, but there has been times i have felt hurt about the way that he treated my mum and me when i was a baby.

However Now me and my Dad have what i would call a stable relationship i visit him when i am home from America and we talk on the phone regularly. Before i left for the States i found my self spending alot of time with him and i think that is because he is a changed man now. He is family orientated and he has a beautiful girlfriend and two step daughters that i care alot for. He lives with them and works hard. I can tell this relationship is very different to alot of the other relationships my dad has been in before. He has had a fair few girlfriends for as long as i can remember..all of them being young and pretty but not the typical step mum or someone that i could see sticking around long term. And i was right. Untill Andrea come along.

She is the complete package she is beautiful, caring, honest and truely a loving person and i no that my dad worships the ground she walks on; he would do anything for her and that is wonderful to see. I believe my dad has found his soul mate and i have gained the best step mum i could ask for. I have built up a close relationship with Andrea over the years and now i can honestly say i miss her alot, she has never tryed to be anything she isnt and has never forced our relationship she has always been straight with me and i now trust her enough to call her and talk to her if i ever have a bad day or a problem, as well as a step mum she is a true friend....

Part one...Friends for life.

For as long as i can remember...my friends have always ment alot to me. I think your friends are the family that you choose. Through out the years many friends have been and gone but one has always been there, Liv. She has been there for me through good and bad. That doesnt mean that we don't fall out occationally because believe me we do. I put that down to the fact that we have two very different life styles, views and oppinions..We have been friends all the way through infant, juniour, senior school and college...and i can honestly say i don't think our friendship will ever end.

Liv's way of doing what she thought was right, was to try and perswade me not to go to America in her own way, purely i think as she may have thought she was going to be loosing a best friend; but i knew that would never be the case. Againts all the odds i left, and we still talk (and when i say talk i mean talk for England) every week on the phone.

I have three other very close friends, that were supportive of me leaving them behind and taking a chance with a fresh start. I feel that they all knew that although i am leaving them in person i will always be thinking about them and remembering all the great times we have spent together.

It diddnt happen as often as it used to but when we did all get together and we would all get a phone call that sounded abit like "claires at 7oclock" i used to smile widely as i knew full well that we would have a girls night inthat i would never forget. And these nights have always been playing in the back of my mind as i knew i was going to miss them alot. We would sit and eat untill we couldnt eat no more after bickering over what chinnease to order, and we would drink cup after cup of Tea. We would watch movies that would make us cry with tears of sadness and some that would make us cry with tears of laughter. But the honest truth is we diddnt need a movie to make us cry of laughter. When us girls were in each others company and not in the public eye the jokes and stories would come out. And we did not hold back. The conversations and the topics that we discussed in that living room were not for the ears of any one other than us...even the boyfriends were never to know.

These nights got fewer but never stopped..two out of the four of us have beautifull children one being my precious God child Lucas...and all of our our lifes were both demanding and time consuming. But we did always still make an effort, even if on a saturday night we no longer went clubbing out on the town and we stayed in together with the children infront of the TV with a bottle of wine, i could still guarentee a good night. It is true "girls just wanna have fun". I have been thinking alot recently that by the time i return home from America, i hope our friendships will be alot like it was before. But i know as much as i want to i can not put the rest of the world on hold for a couple of years whilst i am traveling and having the time of my life.

Me and siobhan

me and Lucas

me and my lil sister

Culture shock.....

Living in Brooklyn has also taken alot of getting used to, firstly i have never lived in a suburb as i have always lived hours away from the nearest cities. So even the amount of people i found my self surrounded by on a daily basis was a shock to my system. Secoundly the people i found my self surrounded by were of all different races...religons...cultures and spoke many different languages. I would also say the majority of people living in my area are black and spanish followed by indian and then white Americans. There have been times when i have felt like the odd one out for being white on the bus, the chance of that ever happening in the town i previously lived in was very rare as we had very few coloured people living in our town and when i say few i mean less than 30. I never realised untill now what a shelterd life i was living, i was barely independent and relied on family and friends way to much.

Settling in....

Soooo i am now living in the heart of Brooklyn in a beautifull home, in a typical American neighbourhood. I live with jill (my host mum), James (my host Dad) and Emily and Sarah (the girls that i look after). Very soon after me arriving the girls kept me on my toe's. My relationship with Jill and James is strictly a professional one, in other words i do not discuss the cute guy at the gym with Jill or how much fun the club was on a Saturday night with James; as some of my friends do with there host family's. But i personally like it that way as we keep our privite lifes to our selfs as you would do with your boss if you worked in an office or anywere else for that matter. And as for my relationship with the girls....were to start. I will begin by saying the girls are very spoilt they get what they want from Mummy and Daddy and often miss behave and are very rarely punished actually borderline never punished for what they do. But i will also add that this is the way that they were brought up....so i don't believe that this is there fault. From day one as a new aupair i was also battling with the fact that these young girls have had many aupairs in the past...there fav one being Alison Taylor. I was told very bluntley by Emily "no offence" (i have no idea why she added those words as she new what she was about to say was offensive) "But Alison was a great aupiar..she was our fav and you are never going to be as good as her " Talk about a confidence knock after only being in my new home for a matter of hours. But i held back the tears and took it in my stride. During the weeks that i was homesick i cried an cried and cried and the smallest and most stupid things brought tears to my eyes. And if i am honest i did not un pack my suitcase for six weeks after arrivng as the thought alone of un packing my cloths into the wardrobes where my cloths were gunna stay for the next year made my eyes well up.

A change of heart.....

I honestly don't know what did happen but after being in New York five weeks everything changed for me. I became open to this huge difference in my life. I guess a part of me new that some of my times spent here could be some of the best times of my life. And my eyes peeled to the fact that i am living in one of the greatest cities in the world. (me....the girl that no believed would actually leave). I have now realised that back then the advice that no one gave me was helping me overcome my home sickness the only cure for me was TIME.....

A new start...

Soooo living in NYC has not always been the life that every girl dreams of for me, when i first arrived here six months ago from now as a small town girl used to the the country side and the coast i found it hard to adapt to the big city life....and looking back on it now i have no idea why but i was homesick. And after not even being in the big apple a week and giving my new life here a try i selfishly decided that i wanted to get back on the plane and fly home.....well pffffft that did not happen.....